The moment my husband and I decided to start trying for a baby was simple, I was holding my new baby nephew in my arms and I looked at him and said, “, I want one”. He smiled. So it started.

Like most people we thought it would happen quickly and got very excited about the process (wink wink) and what the future was going to look like.

A few years later we are still waiting for that exciting future.

I’m starting this series talking about infertility and our journey with IVF because I want to share with you in case you are going through this, you know someone that is, or you would like to know more about fertility. I also wanted to share this for myself because the process can be all consuming but hopefully at the end you get the world’s best gift and I think I would like a diary of the process it’s taking to get our happy ending.

The hard thing about infertility is that every month you go through a cycle of excitement and then let down. You are hypersensitive to your body so you start to think that every feeling in your body might be a symptom that you are finally pregnant.

Only to, again, get your period or negative pregnancy test. I stopped taking pregnancy tests after about 6 months because it’s very easy to start to obsess about whether there is a faint line, am I testing too early, or it’s negative again. I decided that I would allow the universe to tell me.

Also, what is possibly hardest, is when people are falling pregnant around you without a thought of how hard this can be for some. You try so hard to be happy for someone and celebrate their good news but inside you are screaming – why not me!!??!!! You put on a happy face and wish them well before crying in the shower that night.

If this is happening to you too, just  know you aren’t a ‘bad’ person, you are doing everything to look after yourself and boundaries are your new best friend. I’ve allowed myself to have some very clear boundaries around baby showers and similar situations because while I have a very strong mindset I also am not putting myself into a situation where that can be impacted,  it was for a period of time and it took a lot of strength to come back from there.

And then there is the question, “when are you going to have kids?’ You politely say soon, but that isn’t enough for some people, nope they like to let you know you should get onto it, it’s the best thing in the whole world, and time is ticking.

Excuse me while I go scream again into my pillow, you insensitive a-hole.

Infertility sucks! But if you are also having fertility issues you aren’t alone, 1 in 9 couples have issues with conceiving and if you need a friend please feel free to DM me.